The one with my postitrons becoming negatized.

I'm always trying to stay positive. As I'm sure you all are too. Because the easy thing for everyone to do is complain, because there is ALWAYS something to complain about. In everything you do, it's easy to pick out the flaws. Even if you absolutely love your job, or your school, or whatever it is you do on a daily basis there is STILL going to be something to dwell on and complain about.
Where is this going Elisa?
Well, I will tell you where this is going, inner thoughts.
I've been trying to figure out a way to combat that negativity. But in doing so, I end up finding that fighting negativity ends with more negativity. And therefore, I become a super annoying neagtive person, leading me to be the complete opposite of what I wanted to be.
Try to keep up please.
So instead of fighting against the negativity I try to just replace being negative with being positive. Every time I think of something negative, I replace that thought with a Bible verse, or a quote from an awesome motivational pastor or author, or listen to some worship songs. Now, let me be clear, this DOES work. I found my attitude turning around almost instantly about 99% of the time.
But here was my dilema: I find myself being....fake? I'm not sure if that's the right word, but I felt that I was "lying" to myself?
I'm putting question marks there on purpose.
I shouldn't have to lie to myself. Right? If I'm in a bad mood, maybe I need to just admit it and be in a bad mood.
If I wanna complain about something, should I just do it?
How do I stay postitve and keep it real at the same time?
How can I "keep it real" and not become jaded?
Is there a happy medium between the heartless cynic and the deliriously optimistic?

I guess the main thing I'm scared of is not being what I was made to be. Who God intended me to be. Just when I had the "who I am" thing down, I go and think about stuff and screw it all up.....again.

Didn't I ever tell you? I suck at growing up.

The one with hallway.

I don't have an idea for this blog. That is why it's been a month or so since my last blog. In all transparency, I was working on a longer blog that I was updating daily about my decision to sign my contract or not for next school year. But then I ended up signing it and it's truly not an interesting blog. It was just like: "Should I? Nah. Well? Okay. Nah. Okay I will. I signed it. The end." So, now we're here, just waiting until the end of the year to finish and I am on the hook for next year. I could still leave, but breaking a contract not only gives me hives because of the ethic implications, but also there is a $2,500 fee attached to that which is NOT in my summer budget currently. I am tired of teaching. But to be fair, it is April and I am ALWAYS tired of teaching in April. But I will say this April is different. Education is different. It's changed. A part of me knows that I will be called out of teaching soon. I don't see myself retiring as...

The one with a novel I'm writing??? I guess????

I'm writing a novel. I have no idea where it is going and where it came from, but I am writing it nonetheless. I am still working out the main events and outline for this thing. Guys. I have no idea what I am doing. This is like an actual novel and I really don't think it's going to even be good. I don't think it's going to make me much of any money. But I'm writing it. It's loosely based on my life, very loosely. It's still fiction, but it has similar vibes. The idea randomly came to me one random night and then since that moment I've just been pouring out the ideas for this story. Writing is a wild thing. It's so personal and weird. I keep reading through what I have, thinking about how others might perceive this. But is that the way to do it? Or do you just put your story out there and see what happens? Do you just write it and simply not care how others see it and review it? I'm not even sure I am physically able to do that. Can I...

The one with pie.

This title is a little misleading. This blog will actually be about work. You know, that thing we all look forward to having a day off from. It’s still weird to think that I have an actual “career.” I mean, not as weird as being a parent, but still a strange concept for a person who still doesn’t feel like she’s made it into the adult world. This is my 5th year as a full time classroom teacher. It’s definitely not been easy. I’ve been through anxiety, depression, coming in early, staying super late, grading on any free time I have, crying on my lunch breaks, quitting mid year, parent complaints, thousands of hours of professional development, long term sub problems, breaking up fights, de-escalating situations, sassy teenagers, hormonal teenagers, emotional teenagers, hard situations, mandatory reporting, and of course getting BARELY above the minimum wage for all of this. I don’t go through that list to get pity or sympathy or encouragement. I go through this to let ...

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