The one that no one will read.

Well I did forget I had a blog. So much has happened

Mom is gone.
Woah. That was tough to write. It was about a month ago.

Student teaching.
Graduation.
Engagement.
First year teaching. (9th grade English).
Marriage.
Second year teaching. (4th grade).
Hating my job.
Mom's failing health.
Depression.
Quitting mid year.
Mom's passing.
Part time jobs at school.
Sitting here writing.

How am I? Currently? Right now?
Fine.

But there will come a time where I won't be fine. It comes out of no where. Sometimes in front of people. Sometimes in the middle of the night. Sometimes when I'm trying to occupy my time with something else. It just happens, this punch in gut overwhelming feeling that I will never see my mom on this earth again.

People are awesome though. They really are. I feel bad, because they want to help but they can't do anything. What are they going to do? Say some dumb clichés that are probably not even true?
My current fave: "She's probably up there greeting people as they come into the pearly gate." What in the actual fuck do you think heaven is like?! People.
It all comes from a good place. So I can't be too upset.

I just miss her. I'm trying to focus on getting back into teaching again for next year. Right now I'm a para and working at an after school program, so it's keeping me occupied. However, the first thing I'm occupied with is special education, other wise known as my mom's full time career, and the second job is at a school in her former school district.....so.....

Funny how shit turns out.

The one with the middle.

You remember that Jimmy Eat World song: The Middle? It feels very applicable to me. And, have you heard the Paramore song: Caught in the Middle? Also applicable. It's been two months since this school year started. I wish I could say it's getting better. I wish I could say it's been a good year so far. But it's been a really tough year of teaching already. It's really no one's fault- students, admin, parents- it has nothing really to do with them. It's just been, tough. I feel like honestly, it's kind of a waste of energy trying to pinpoint one problem that I am having, when in reality- it's possible that I am not supposed to be doing this anymore. Okay. I feel like I should be a teacher. But I don't know if I should be doing this . Does that even make sense? Probably not. I just feel really stuck at this moment. Because I want to do a good job while I am here, but I also am waiting for what I am meaning to do next. I want to serve my curren

The one with hallway.

I don't have an idea for this blog. That is why it's been a month or so since my last blog. In all transparency, I was working on a longer blog that I was updating daily about my decision to sign my contract or not for next school year. But then I ended up signing it and it's truly not an interesting blog. It was just like: "Should I? Nah. Well? Okay. Nah. Okay I will. I signed it. The end." So, now we're here, just waiting until the end of the year to finish and I am on the hook for next year. I could still leave, but breaking a contract not only gives me hives because of the ethic implications, but also there is a $2,500 fee attached to that which is NOT in my summer budget currently. I am tired of teaching. But to be fair, it is April and I am ALWAYS tired of teaching in April. But I will say this April is different. Education is different. It's changed. A part of me knows that I will be called out of teaching soon. I don't see myself retiring as

The one where I join the blog world.

I figure it's about time I started a blog. It's a writing/photography/comediac/art/important issues/look-what-kind-of-crazy-stuff-is-happening-in-Elisa's-life blog. It's my everything blog. Awesome for blogging. So welcome! Enjoy! Comment! Feel the love. This is my absolute favorite picture. Elias Hernandez. My model/musician/rock. How beautiful life is..... Frreak. Frreak. More to come.

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