Anyone else get like hyper focused on becoming an author from grades 3-6? Like, you write a 6 page book about some weird fantasy character and then try to write some sequels thinking you were the next big name in fantasy novels? And then you kind of just forgot about them and fixated on some other random passion, like theater, or art, or marine biology? Just me?
I don't really know what I am supposed to do with writing. I have a weird calling to write stuff, but like what? I have no clue.
Can I tell you a slightly weird, embarrassing story?
So when I was maybe 7 or 8, my mom was a camp director at a summer camp called Quaker Meadow. It's a camp that she had been working at since she was a teenager and, if I remember correctly, this was the first year I could be an actual camper. I don't have much of a memory from any of it really-- as my long term memory is spotty at best-- but I remember having quite the fun time. It was a church camp, so there was a lot of those typical church camp revelries: music, games, Bible times, hiking, activities, etc.
As I said, I don't remember much, but there was an interesting "spiritual" moment, so to speak. I had been raised with church and knowing who Jesus was since I could comprehend things, but I don't know if I had a relationship with Him, per se. I knew how to pray, and I knew God heard what we said, but that was about the extent of prayer in my life.
My camp counselor, who was in charge of teaching the Bible to our little group of girls taught us not just that we could talk to God, but that He actually speaks back to us.
This freaked me out. I guess I might have imagined that God could speak to us-- after all, the Bible does tell stories about Him speaking to Moses, and Adam and Eve, and tons more. So I don't know why it freaked me out, but I guess maybe the thought of this Creator of everything having all this power using His voice to talk with me seemed so strange. And how would he talk with me? Would other people hear His voice too? Would His voice be too loud for my ears? What if I don't understand him?
As a 33 year old, who has grown and learned, I do understand now that God uses many different aspects of our lives to speak to us. Reading the Bible has always been the main one for me, but there's also His Holy Spirit prompting us to move in our daily lives. You might have heard stories of people that are prompted by something inside them to give to someone, or to tell someone that Jesus loves, or some other "divine intervention" and they attribute that to God literally speaking to them.
Where is this story going? Chill. I'm getting there.
So this camp counselor, she had us sitting in this little wooded area near our cabin and began reading some scripture to us. She then told us: "Not only does God hear us when we talk to Him, but He also speaks to us, to give us direction." Then she went on, "I would like you to practice sitting and listening to His voice. If we ask to hear Him, and sit in silence, He will speak to us."
Okay. I should probably pause for a second.
For all those who were in a more traditional church (say Southern Baptist, just as an example), this might seem ridiculous. Sitting silently? For how long? Until when? What is supposed to happen? What if nothing happens? And teaching CHILDREN to do this? This feels different. This was actually common practice in the church denomination that my mom grew up with: Quakers, which is today known as the Friends Church. They make it a time within their service to sit in silence and listen. Just listen. And if the Holy Spirit prompts them to pray out loud, or say a verse, then they would. They would just listen to that prompting, and share it.
So. Hear I am, with my 8 year old self that has probably never sat SILENTLY for any amount of time, and definitely wasn't expecting to do this at a summer camp, about to sit silently and just, listen.
I remember bowing my head, like any good church kid would, closing my eyes and praying to myself: "Um. Okay. God? I guess I'm listening. To You. Just. Whatever you wanna say."
I hear birds. I hear my breath. I hear a breeze in the trees. I hear general forest sounds. No God voice.
I look up to see if any of the other girls were looking up. Nope. Just me. Okay. Back to it.
"God? What am I doing? What do you want me to do? Am I supposed to hear something? What am I supposed to do with my life?"
This is the embarrassing part. Because, it truly doesn't seem like this is real. Like if someone else told me this story, I might be skeptical-- so I totally get if you don't believe this story! I understand this might even bring my blog audience down in numbers, but there's already only 5 of you, so it is what is. But this is what happened-- and it's so weird. Because even after 25 years later, I have no clue what this means and what to make of it.
Writing.
That's what I heard in this stillness. Just that one word.
Writing.
I wasn't thinking about writing. It truly wasn't even on my radar. But, that's what I felt.
When our counselor called us back, I told her that's what I heard. She was intrigued. I'm sure sometime later she had told my mom, because she found me and asked me about it. I told her I'm not sure if that's what I heard, or even if I know what it means. I kind of started to explain it all away. She then looked at me and said "Sometimes we might not know what God is doing, but we can trust it will be good."
When my mom passed away in 2015, those words I heard from her when I was 8 rang true in my ears again. I didn't know why these things were happening, but I trusted God and His goodness.
Why am I bringing this story up? I know there are so many rational explanations to why I think I heard what I heard. And if a child had come up to me and said "I think God is telling me to write." I'd probably be like "Uh. Cool."
The cool thing that I like about this story is my mom's reaction. She wasn't like "Uh. Cool." She believed me. She believed I had a spiritual experience--as trivial as it might have been, I had an encounter with the God she believed in, and she encouraged me to to continue and foster my relationship with Jesus.
I also want to make it clear, that this is not a teaching blog. I'm not trying to teach you "5 ways God is trying to speak to you about writing" or whatever those church blogs try to teaching. I'm not trying to teach you about parenting from my mom reaction-- although I do think there is a lesson there. I'm not trying to teach you how to listen to the Lord, because there are so many ways He speaks to us.
No teaching here! I just wanted to explain why I feel so drawn to writing. My whole adult life I have journaled, and blogged, and dabbled with short stories and taught writing in essays, but all of it has just kind of been namby pamby with my writing.
So I want to honor that 8 year olds encounter with God. I want to pray about what God is going to have me do with writing. Is it writing a book? Or just keeping up with this blog? Or helping another person write their story? Or going back to school to learn more about writing?
I'm not sure what God has for me, but I do think it might be time try to get serious about writing this year.
Not too serious though.
I still have an unfinished fantasy series somewhere amongst my childhood belongings I could continue.
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| My dad gifted me his old Quaker Meadow sweatshirt Christmas 2021. This is via my Instagram stories. I still wear this way more than I should. It's the coziest. |