I figure it's time to get weird again and talk about childbirth. I love a good birth story. I love hearing and reading everyone's birth story. I think it important for parents (moms and dads alike) to process childbirth. Because Lord knows it is such an intense moment for all of us, and each story of how we came into the world is unique, special, and important. I encourage everyone to share their story someday with someone- I'm happy to be the person that listens! I love this birth stuff.
I love this birth stuff so much that I am actually a trained doula and have been working toward becoming a birth educator. I use the term "working" loosely, as my full time English teacher gig, and ultimate full time mom gig eats up my entire time. However, I do continue to pray that God will open up opportunities to help out parents in this amazing thing we call childbirth.
Childbirth is a big deal. Sometimes I think when we have kids that the childbirth part is something that doesn't need special time, training, or attention. I mean, I thought that with my first one.
I went into birthing my first one, just kind of trusting that I would know what to do, and that no matter what, the baby was going to come out and as long as he is healthy, I am good. But I mean, should that be the standard for if your birth is "good"- just a healthy baby? A healthy baby IS absolutely important, but what kind of standard of health is that for the birthing person? Are we not an important aspect of this as well? And don't we deserve to leave our birthing experience being healthy in all aspects: mentally, physically, and emotionally?
Your birth can determine your postpartum healing. And postpartum healing can determine your mental state for years. I know first hand.
Leo's birth (my first one) was, on the surface a great success, by the original standard stated above-- a healthy baby. He was healthy. But, that first year (or longer) was rough on me and I truly believe it was because of some birth trauma I never really thought was trauma.
His story starts on his due date. That pregnancy had actually been really chill, which was great for a first baby, and I was grateful! On his due date there were not contractions, no dilation, no effacement, nothing. That's when anxiety started slowly creeping in. "Is that normal? Will he need to be induced? Do I want him to be induced? Does that mean I can't give birth naturally?" I just didn't know.
This line of questioning followed me throughout that first year of motherhood. "Why is he eating so much? Am I not making enough milk? Is he growing enough? Should I give him formula? Should I wake him up? When was his last feeding?" And so many more things that just haunted me that first year.
So, after his due date came and went the week that followed was so annoying. Labor kept starting and stopping- which I now know is so normal and actually has a name: Prodromal Labor. This is so freaking common, especially with first time moms. I was sent home from the hospital a couple times by some very annoyed nurses. I mean, I don't know why they were so annoyed, I was the one whose labor kept stopping!
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| Leo and me 03/07/2017 |
That night, a couple minutes after a truly intense contraction, about 5-6 nurses came in and checked Leo's heart rate and I was told it was dropping during every contraction.
Now, my doula training and own research has told me that constant fetal heart monitoring generally results in something like this occurring in birth- and usually when it has been an especially long birth like Leo's had been. But as a first time mom, it freaked me out. A nurse then told me that I was only at 5 cm. 5 cm?! Are you kidding me? I've been in this hospital for also 12 hours how am I STILL at 5 cm?? A doctor comes in and tells me that they need to move all of this along quicker, so I should probably get pitocin.
The one thing I did know, was pitocin would make the contractions feel more intense. So, if I needed pitocin, I should probably get an epidural. So it was decided: I'd get pitocin and then an epidural. I did. As soon as I got that epidural- I could finally get some much needed rest. But before that- I had a doctor check to see how much I was dilated. They said I was at 8 cm. 8 cm!!! I wasn't stuck on 5, I had progressed to 8 cm. I was devastated. I was sad. I was annoyed. But mostly, I was very sleepy. So that epidural worked, and I slept for several hours until I felt the urge to push the next day.
To speed this story along, I finally gave birth to Leo in the afternoon on March 7th, 2016. The hours that followed were not the euphoric, dreamy newborn phase that many had said I might have. Leo wasn't that sleepy newborn that I thought I would have. He was nursing almost the whole time we were in the hospital. The nurses made us keep track of all his diaper changes and his feedings and didn't like how little wet/dirty diapers he had and "encouraged" supplementing, even though he was constantly on my boob. He didn't latch well the first time, and I didn't have anyone there to correct or guide me, so every time he fed it felt like pins and needles. I dreaded each feeding and each latch knowing I was going to get hurt.
It was horrible.
When we finally left the hospital and went to his first doctors appointment, they were also not liking how little he was peeing and pooping. (Because I was still obsessively tracking his diapers and his feedings). Thinking there was something wrong- we were at Phoenix Children's hospital. There was nothing wrong with him, or me. My milk was coming in fine, he had enough dirty diapers, but for some reason my mom instinct didn't kick in. Or it was there, but I couldn't listen to it. My brain wouldn't let me listen to my mom instinct.
I do believe that my birth experience with Leo moved my mom instinct. Stick with me. My mom instinct was still there, but so much was out of my control during my birth that the mom instinct was replaced by this constant anxiety.
I thought it was normal to constantly track his feeding times and how long on each side. I thought it was normal to Google about every little sound and noise that Leo did in the middle of the night. I thought it was normal to struggle this much. I just suffered with it. I just kept living with that anxiety. It turned into depression, and I felt like a shell of my old self.
This is so embarrassing, but this is something I wrote a couple weeks after Leo was born: "I love Leo so much. I wonder when I'll feel like myself again. When I'll feel like a person and not just a milk machine. Are you getting enough milk? I'm so tired. I don't feel like myself. I know things are bound to get better but I'm having a really hard time. Most people want to help but I don't know how they can. I just want sleep. I don't even feel human. I'm just thinking about this adorable baby and if he's getting enough food."
Yeah. Pretty raw.
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| Uriah and me 11/12/2020 |
I have another birth experience that I would like to unpack. I promise it won't be as long as my first story.
A lot happened between my two birth stories. I finally started to take care of myself again. I started to become more and more educated on how messed up birth can be for women. And the biggest one: we unfortunately had a miscarriage. All of it was a lot.
But it all made Uriah's birth an empowering event for all of us. I gave birth at birth center and had a great birth education class. I was able to labor for less than 12 hours and go home the same day Uriah was born. It was an amazing experience and I was just so grateful. I learned to listen to my mom instinct between these births. And this followed me into this birth experience and my first year postpartum with two kids.
Why am I telling you this exceptionally long blog?
Motherhood has been insane. My mom instinct has always been there. God has truly taught me that He has given me everything I need to do this insane motherhood thing. But just because he has given me everything I need, does not mean I don't need Him. I do. Every dang day.
I really didn't want to make this a parent blog- because I have NO intentions to be a mommy blogger. No shade, it's just not for me. But, with that, I would like to encourage you to trust Him. Trust God while your mom instinct is there and when it's being hidden behind your depression or anxiety. He's given you everything you need.