I don't have an idea for this blog.
That is why it's been a month or so since my last blog. In all transparency, I was working on a longer blog that I was updating daily about my decision to sign my contract or not for next school year. But then I ended up signing it and it's truly not an interesting blog. It was just like: "Should I? Nah. Well? Okay. Nah. Okay I will. I signed it. The end." So, now we're here, just waiting until the end of the year to finish and I am on the hook for next year. I could still leave, but breaking a contract not only gives me hives because of the ethic implications, but also there is a $2,500 fee attached to that which is NOT in my summer budget currently.
I am tired of teaching. But to be fair, it is April and I am ALWAYS tired of teaching in April. But I will say this April is different. Education is different. It's changed. A part of me knows that I will be called out of teaching soon. I don't see myself retiring as an educator. I mean. Maybe. But honestly being a teacher is just different now. I can't explain exactly why without going into the nuances of public education; which maybe I will another blog. Suffice to say: it's worse than when I started this job 10 years ago.
So I guess I've just been praying about which doors to open. There are so many things I would like to do apart from teaching, but there hasn't been a pathway for those positions right now in my life. It can be discouraging. It feels like I am stuck in this weird hallway. And like, the hallway has a bunch of different doors that I know would be fun, and cool, and just a great experience, but they are locked. And I am just waiting for someone to give me the key, or to unlock one of the doors, or figure out how to break the door down. So I'm just in this hallway, trying to make the most of my time here. Most days though, it feels like I am just standing still. I do my thing in my classroom, but it doesn't feel like the good, fun, meaningful work that I used to genuinely love.
I don't know if that metaphor made any sense, but I hope it didn't come out defeating. Because I truly don't feel hopeless. I know that God has a plan. And it's going to better than whatever I can plan for myself. Which is wild to me, because I can plan some pretty extreme things for my life-- I have quite the imagination most days. It can just be hard waiting for the door to unlock. And yeah, some days the hallway sucks, but then other days the hallway can be really rewarding and fun. However, at this point in the school year, the hallway is literally a free for all of wild behaviors that no one can contain or control. Again, sorry if this metaphor is breaking down-- this blog is chaotic, but this is nothing new.
Where am I right now? Trying to get through the next 6 weeks is the first thing. And if I can make it through, then start my exit from education in a year. I signed a contract, and unless something major changes, I plan to honor that contract through the end of the school year next year. So hopefully in the next year I can have a full on plan for what God wants for me. And if not, I trust that God will make a way no matter what. Yeah, it's pretty miserable right now, but I trust that this time in the hallway won't be wasted.
Wait, did I actually end a blog somewhat okay??! Well, I guess it was okay until this line. Should I erase it? Nah.
