The one with the middle.

You remember that Jimmy Eat World song: The Middle? It feels very applicable to me. And, have you heard the Paramore song: Caught in the Middle? Also applicable.

It's been two months since this school year started. I wish I could say it's getting better. I wish I could say it's been a good year so far. But it's been a really tough year of teaching already. It's really no one's fault- students, admin, parents- it has nothing really to do with them. It's just been, tough.

I feel like honestly, it's kind of a waste of energy trying to pinpoint one problem that I am having, when in reality- it's possible that I am not supposed to be doing this anymore.

Okay. I feel like I should be a teacher. But I don't know if I should be doing this.

Does that even make sense? Probably not.

I just feel really stuck at this moment. Because I want to do a good job while I am here, but I also am waiting for what I am meaning to do next. I want to serve my current students the best I can, but I also am ready for the school year to end and go to my next thing.

What is my next thing?

Not sure if I want to talk about it HERE, quite yet. I get really shy about sharing what I want to do. I just don't want to put it out there, and then it not work out and look really dumb. Only because that is how things have worked out for me in the past. I get REALLY excited about something, and then I tell everyone, and then it just kinda fizzles out and doesn't work out.

And if this thing that I am thinking about doesn't work out, I know it is not God's plan for me or my family.

But if it DOES work out, then it's only because of God and what He wants done. Which will pan out even better than anything I could ever plan on my own. And it will be BIG. And it will be wonderful. And it will help SO many people.

So right now, though- I feel very caught in the middle of where I am going, and where I have been. But I am learning to be thankful for all of it. I'm truly trying to be thankful for the difficult stuff. It's literally only September. So I am trying to make it through this year, and come out with lessons as well as a new journey ready to go.

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
I try to keep going but it's not that simple
I think I'm a little bit caught in the middle
Gotta keep going or they'll call me a quitter
Yeah, I'm caught in the middle

Live right now
Yeah, just be yourself
It doesn't matter if it's good enough (good enough)
For someone else
It just takes some time
Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything'll be just fine
Everything, everything'll be alright, alright

Seeing Paramore with Elias.

The one with hallway.

I don't have an idea for this blog. That is why it's been a month or so since my last blog. In all transparency, I was working on a longer blog that I was updating daily about my decision to sign my contract or not for next school year. But then I ended up signing it and it's truly not an interesting blog. It was just like: "Should I? Nah. Well? Okay. Nah. Okay I will. I signed it. The end." So, now we're here, just waiting until the end of the year to finish and I am on the hook for next year. I could still leave, but breaking a contract not only gives me hives because of the ethic implications, but also there is a $2,500 fee attached to that which is NOT in my summer budget currently. I am tired of teaching. But to be fair, it is April and I am ALWAYS tired of teaching in April. But I will say this April is different. Education is different. It's changed. A part of me knows that I will be called out of teaching soon. I don't see myself retiring as...

The one with a novel I'm writing??? I guess????

I'm writing a novel. I have no idea where it is going and where it came from, but I am writing it nonetheless. I am still working out the main events and outline for this thing. Guys. I have no idea what I am doing. This is like an actual novel and I really don't think it's going to even be good. I don't think it's going to make me much of any money. But I'm writing it. It's loosely based on my life, very loosely. It's still fiction, but it has similar vibes. The idea randomly came to me one random night and then since that moment I've just been pouring out the ideas for this story. Writing is a wild thing. It's so personal and weird. I keep reading through what I have, thinking about how others might perceive this. But is that the way to do it? Or do you just put your story out there and see what happens? Do you just write it and simply not care how others see it and review it? I'm not even sure I am physically able to do that. Can I...

The one with pie.

This title is a little misleading. This blog will actually be about work. You know, that thing we all look forward to having a day off from. It’s still weird to think that I have an actual “career.” I mean, not as weird as being a parent, but still a strange concept for a person who still doesn’t feel like she’s made it into the adult world. This is my 5th year as a full time classroom teacher. It’s definitely not been easy. I’ve been through anxiety, depression, coming in early, staying super late, grading on any free time I have, crying on my lunch breaks, quitting mid year, parent complaints, thousands of hours of professional development, long term sub problems, breaking up fights, de-escalating situations, sassy teenagers, hormonal teenagers, emotional teenagers, hard situations, mandatory reporting, and of course getting BARELY above the minimum wage for all of this. I don’t go through that list to get pity or sympathy or encouragement. I go through this to let ...

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