I’ve been thinking a lot about my mom lately. Probably because the anniversary of her death is coming up this month. March is always a lot: Leo's birthday, our wedding anniversary, her death anniversary. Wait. I also just realized November is similarly a lot: Uriah's birthday, my birthday, and my mom's birthday. Why can't huge life events we have no control over be more spread out throughout the year?
Anyway. My mom loved musicals. LOVED musicals. Most people knew her as an amazing educator for children with special needs, as that was her career about which she was so passionate. But prior to that, she did a lot of local theater-- even making her way into Knott's Berry Farm's Birdcage Theater as a performer. Not sure what her role was, but I once saw a picture of her some red, saloon girl getup and didn't want anymore information, for the sake of my innocence.
But yes, musicals and theater in general were something she enjoyed watching as well as being in! She was actually quite a talented performer. Often would put on little skits for church, or sing in a praise team or choir. As kids, we sang a lot and watched so many musicals together. Once my brother and I got into theater, that's when we really bonded over musicals. We loved Rogers & Hammerstein, Disney, even once seeing Wicked when we were on vacation in LA. It was something we really agreed on, even when I was a most disagreeable teenager.
She told a story once about how she was in some group interview or audition for some position related to entertainment. Not sure exactly what, but it was during her time in the local LA theater scene during her college years.
They asked the interviewees what their favorite movie was. They all said some kind of art film that was a deep thinking, high brow type movie. They all waxed eloquently about how their favorite film is unique and special, and make the viewer think about life in a different perspective.
When they got to my mom's answer, she, with NO hesitation said, The Sound of Music. I am sure these hoity toity artsy folks scoffed internally as, at the time, this was not the classic we hold up today, but simply a musical movie with Julie Andrews. When pressed as to why this was her favorite movie she said, with I am sure the utmost confidence, "When I watch a movie, I want to be entertained and feel happy. That's what this movie does. For two hours, I'm smiling, singing, and feeling emotions. I'm not thinking too much; I'm just able to enjoy!"
Not sure what the end result of that was. I was only told this story once and I am sure some details I have gotten wrong. But I always think of this story. It says so much to me.
I know my mom didn't mean that The Sound Of Music has no deeper meanings- as I know she saw the messages throughout. However, I love her overall point of some things are just MEANT to be enjoyed. Truly and freely enjoying things is OKAY.
I love this story so much, because I often try to see hidden meanings and messages in everything- not just movies, art and literature. I'm an English teacher-- it's a common trope of ours to see a color, word, or idea and create an essay worthy message out of that. But I don't just do this to my favorite classic novel or even a more modern media; I do this to things people say and do in my everyday life. If someone says or does something I don't understand, I see a meaning that wasn't previously there.
I hate that I do that. It makes life so much less enjoyable to constantly try to think about the hidden messages everywhere. I guess this is called "overthinking" in everyday life, isn't it? I know I am not unique in this, as everyone I know is an overthinker. Literally everyone. I do not think I invented overthinking. We all do it slightly differently, but we all still overthink a moderate to heavy amount as adults.
But that is why I love this story about my mom's favorite movie. She found enjoyment in a wonderful movie musical, and didn't apologize for not looking for anything more than that. She liked what she liked and didn’t overthink that choice!
I remember some of her happiest times were watching musicals with us. Mary Poppins flew her way into our home more often than I can probably count, and not just as children. When she got really sick and needed someone at the house with her towards the end, I would come over and we would watch Mary together. We would just forget about her condition, our struggles, and the future for a couple hours. We would just simply, enjoy. It would remind me of our childhood: she really did enjoy being a mom. She enjoyed her time with my brother and I as kids. I can’t help but remember the fun places she would take us, the movies we would watch, the songs we would sing. From our perspective, as her children, she enjoyed being a mom to us as kids.
Not to make this about me,
except what am I talking about, this is 100% about me-- it's literally my blog,
but I can't help but ask myself if my kids are going to think I enjoy being a mom. It's hard to say. I get tired a lot with all the activities they are going to and now homeschooling. And I sometimes lose my patience, because I am trying to make them good people and they like, forget how to do that sometimes. I've been maybe too honest about how many questions they ask me and how I just need a little break. I have really high expectations about their behavior and regard towards each other and others.
So I don’t know if they will think I enjoyed my time as their mom, like I do with mine. They are both at the age where memories are like, a forever thing.
As with all these blogs, I never know how to end this. But I think I am learning how to enjoy parenthood. For a long time, survival mode was where I was in parenting and enjoyment was not even in the horizon. But, I do feel like I’m out of survival mode and have no excuse not to be enjoying my kids. I feel guilty, because I know there are moms out there that CAN’T enjoy their kids and are still in that survival mode. So the fact that I’m out of that and not enjoying every moment, I feel horrible.
Like girl. Your kids are great! And fun! Start enjoying your kids!
So I guess that’s my goal. Enjoy. Isn’t weird that you have to intentionally tell yourself as an adult that you are allowed to enjoy the place in life that you are currently in? Because, you know, the horrors and all that.Well here I am. A millennial mom who loves musicals, cajoling herself to enjoy every moment with her kids and family as much as I can.
